I'm day-dreaming of a life back home

Through all my years I have known about homesickness. It came on when I would sleep over at a friend's house, when I made a major life change like moving to college, and when I left one of couple of places I see as 'home' for a long period of time. Being homesick and heartsick for Idaho or Dubai is understandable to me and I often wish I could go back and visit more frequently than I do. Being homesick for another life is something fairly new to me which I've discovered here in Rwanda. People always ask if I miss America or have pangs of homesickness. Of course, but what is difficult to explain is that this homesickness is a much most pervasive form than most see. It tends to linger under the surface and comes to light at random and unexpected times. It's always there and I am always aware of it, but more often than not it isn't a primary thought. I think of home every day, of friends and family, of things I miss, and also of things I could've had; a different life. In some ways, you are homesick for what could've been. I know that if I had stayed, I would've had certain things, a different lifestyle, different memories. It's almost like second guessing yourself. You see all the good things in your other decision. And so it is in Rwanda. I not only imagine the things I have left behind, but I see this other life that I feel like I am missing. Sometimes that is the harder thing to deal with. Friends, family, and things will always be there for when you get back, but the other 'life' feels like a missed opportunity. Everyone makes decisions that change the way their life is, but often times the other choice, the one left untaken isn't quite as clear simply because you didn't take it. I think that's why I feel it more poignantly in Rwanda. I know the exact life I left in America. I don't regret taking this course, I just didn't know this homesickness was a part of it. I expected it to be like college; you are bummed for a while thinking about what you left but then each day is lessens and your new life takes over. Maybe it is the same, just happening on a slower scale. You would think after almost 10 months living here, thoughts of America and Dubai would not be a daily constant, but they are. It's more that it is just there. They aren't intrusive thoughts, more observations or comparisons. There is always part of my mind that is stuck in America. So, for now I guess I just have to be content with living my life with my mind stuck in two places.