It seems that the longer I am here, the more I start to feel like the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland. There is a great big black hole looming in front of me and I’m not entirely sure where or how I’m getting to where I need to be, I just know I’m late. It’s astounding how you can be so sure of certain things without really comprehending the logic behind your thinking. For me, it’s the idea that I need to get out and do something. The last five years living in the United States has been an invaluable experience, one that has taught me a lot about my life and what I want out of it, but it feels like it’s starting to stifle me. I’m truly hoping it is just the country and not the idea of being set in one particular place for longer than a few years, which if that was the case, I have a bigger problem to tackle. I was apprehensive to say the least when I first got my acceptance into the Peace Corps program, but through the past few weeks, I’ve become more and more restless. I feel as though I’m just waiting until it’s time to go. I’ve come the realization that it finally feels like I’m stepping towards my life. Colin Hays puts it, “any minute now, my ship is coming in... I’m waiting for my real life to begin.” I’m sick of living a complacent life. Living here makes it too easy to be lazy, and I know that change is within my own power. I create my own life, not the other way around, but at least with my moving across the globe, everything familiar will change, and when I go to put things back into a manageable order, hopefully I will be able to create something different.
Knowing that I’m leaving in just over a month has helped put certain things in perspective with incredible clarity. Realizing how much family means in every aspect of my life, which makes leaving them especially painful. Understanding the truth in the relationships I’ve kept. Seeing how few material possessions I truly consider valuable. Realizing how much strength I’m going to need.
Pretty much any named emotion could be used to describe how I’ve felt in the past few weeks, and how I’ll continue to feel. Understandably, the two most prominent emotions are fear and excitement. Fear when I think about having to adjust and rearrange my life on my own, or without my current support systems. Excitement, obviously because of the new and incredible opportunity I’ve been afforded. I’m amazed that I’ve been granted this beautiful new journey. So many of these other emotions are the deep, visceral kind of feelings. All I know, is at this junction in my life, I’m ready for the change.
