So the day has arrived. It is hard to believe I'm actually on my way now and not just talking about it. I've had the amazing fortune to be able to see friends and family before leaving and am continually thankful for how blessed I am with beautiful people in my life. Thank you everyone! You guys helped make this transition that much easier. Like any momentous change in life, I am terrified and excited at the same time. For the months leading up to my departure, I focused so much on the novelty of the trip. It seemed like just that, a trip. As this day got closer though, the reality of it all starting settling. It seemed as though the closer I got to actually leaving, the more worried I became. The more people were excited for me, the harder it was to admit that I was going to be leaving it all very soon. A funny thing about fear, it hardly ever takes the form of something simple and manageable, at least when you are talking about making life changes. It's so easy to be excited about specific things, like meeting new people, being able to travel around the area, getting a chance to use my spiffy new sleeping bag and solar shower. Fear on the other hand, seems to overwhelm everything completely. It's understandable that every major life change is going to come with fear of the unknown because it requires such a drastic adaptation of everything familiar you have known, but this seems so much more than it has been before. I'm sure I felt much the same when I was leaving for college for the first time, or jetted off to some random country. Maybe it's that same amnesia that women get after they give birth. They remember the amazing moments and conveniently forget about the majority of the pain and fear. This experience feels so completely foreign, without any sort of precedent to compare it against. Just the anticipation of having to adjust so completely is overwhelming to say the least. On top of the fear of the unknown, comes the language barrier, loneliness, and potential isolation. It's almost as if I don't really know what to be scared of, it's that unknown. But, I guess with any new experience, you adapt how you want to. Obviously, I know it will be difficult, but I still have so much more to be excited about. It's this anticipation for what could be that keeps me optimistic, and what I hope helps ease this transition.
I know this opportunity holds tremendous potential. (Forgive me for some of my sorts of obscure thoughts. I tend to forget that other people don't know exactly what I'm talking about and sometimes it's just difficult to put my thoughts another way) The excitement for this trip comes from that potential. There is a lot I could speculate on and assume will happen, but in reality, I can't be sure of anything. I guess that's one of the reason why the fear of the unknown seems so much more powerful. That's what's real now, as opposed to the excitement. That's something I'll have to wait and see about, although just the fact that I'm on my way is pretty fantastic. I've discovered that one of my favorite places to be is in airports. I know it sounds strange since they are typically filled with frustration and anxiety, but underneath it all, the only reason one would be in an airport would be because they are going somewhere or coming back. It means I am traveling. Even though each trip is unique, it still has the same comfort of journeying somewhere. As I write this, I am flying somewhere above Ohio, and I am able to hold onto that comfort. That I'm going somewhere new. It's peaceful. I get to hold onto that until I discover another excitement. With all the pain fear causes, thankfully joy comes ten-fold. There are so many variations of emotions that are able to turn into joy. Excitement, energy, enthusiasm, anticipation, contentment; they all can make you happy. So, as I fly where birds don't even come, I look forward to the next happiness that I will find.
